`I Was Lucid.`

Pain is a warning that something's wrong

(no subject)
Well, its been almost a year since i have written. I've thought about it but just haven't felt the need. I noticed a lot of people haven't been using LJ lately.
So humm.. where to start?
Um, this is the end of me and David, as of like 2 weeks ago. I want to fight but then again i know i should give up. This whole situation just makes me hate humanity as a whole.
My life hasn't really changed at all in the past year, maybe even more.
I still hate school. My mom is still the same. Relationships still suck. Working sucks.
Lately I havne't really wanted to do anything. I hang out with friends but i really dont get any enjoyment out of it.
Last night was kinda cool though. I had an old friend that i used to write about all the time call me out of the blue. His life has been pretty bad lately too. Maybe even worse than mine. Hes been in and out of rehab and back in again. Hopefully he will stay on the right path. Regardless, it was good seeing and hearing from him last night.
Today one of my friends wants me to go to her birthday party, which is conveniently being held at David's place. I think i'm going to go with my friend jessica and it if turns out terrible, we will just leave.
I need to learn to take things lightly, but sometimes its so hard. I need to just not let worry take over.
I've been staying at my moms a lot lately since we are working on the tile in my apartment. I still don't want to live there. Its lonely, and its far.
I got this new job last week. The third one this year already. The good part is that it pays a hell of a lot more than i have made in the past.
I really don't like staying at my moms because it seems like she blames me for everything. She says i don't clean up after myself and somehow i manage to fuck everything up.
Her stupid internet isn't working for some reason so i have to sit outside in the heat with my laptop burning a hole through my legs just to sit on the internet and do something instead of laying on the couch. And of course, the internet not working is somehow my fault. I just wish i didn't have to stay here with her. I mean sure i could stay in my apartment, but like i said its far from everything, and most of all it is lonely.
Being lonely is the last thing i need right now, even though i hate people.
I wish i knew what to do to feel better. I wish it weren't that hard. I wish i could erase all of my past mistakes so David and I could be happy. I hate thinking about him but it seems thats all I talk about or think about. How can one stupid person be so powerful and not even have to do anything?
I feel like i could write a book, or i need to just to get all of my feelings out. Maybe i just need to read a book. A good educational book.
who knows. maybe i just need all the answers. If only i knew the right questions to ask first.
Ehh, its so hot out here, but i really don't want to go inside and deal with my mom.
I want the next few hours (and even years) to just fly by like i'm not even here.

fucking life
so i've had a terrible... going on .... 8 days
it all started last week when david decided to do do his band shit for 5 days. i'd really like to support him in that whole matter but i mean come on.... its not that serious... 5 days. everyday he would call me at like 12 at night and then want to spend time with me and have the nerve to say that i was smothering him. well on friday everything was better he came over to my moms house and we dyed our hair the same color red. (it looks really good) then we left in a mad rush to get back to his house for his friend marilyn's party. well that was cool then this girl that i dont like was there, so the whole night i had to like ignore her bc david made me promise that i would start shit with her since it was his friend blah blah blah. well she was the laughing stock of the party... everyone that saw her was like wtf is she on. haha. it made me feel good. well at the end of the night i couldn't take her moronicness anymore and had to say soemthing. then as david is pushing her out the door she gives me this nasty look and i was like look bitch you better walk out before you get your ass kicked, and david got really mad at me. so we argued for the rest of the night/morning... then he was just a douche bag for the rest of the day saturday. well that night we were supposed to go to the fetish party and i was annoyed all day from having his friends tag along with me to a photoshoot which put me in a terrible mood. well me and D argued some more and i decided to go to my moms to get ready for the party... well we met at the party and everything was allrgiht and sunday was cool, same with yesterday and he wants to spend the day with me today. tahts the good part. the bad part of the rest of the week was that on friday i foudn out that i am being demoted at my job bc of a new manager. i didnt do anything wrong and she decides to bring in people from her store to take over ours... which means that she cut my hours this week from work 6-2 mon, wed, fri to 12-4 wed, fri. which really sucks. i have 8 fucking hours. i really wanted to talk to my mom about all of that the stuff with david, my job and blah blah but she was with her fiance. well when i went to her house saturday to get ready she had the door locked on me so i had to bang to get in, when she opened the door shes like are you ok? and i was like no and told her everything. well i didnt talk to her the next day and i go to her house yesterday morning to take a shower and get ready to go look for a new job and her fucking door is locked again. so i call her and shes like well you have to respect my house and clean up after yourself. well i didnt fucking have time to not to mention i was going to do it when i got there monday but she felt like being a cunt. so my whole day yesterday was fucked up bc she had no consideration about my stress. way to make a bad week worse. so D took me out to dinner which really helped. i love him. so i call my mom today to make sure shes going to leave the door open so i can do my homeowrk and i tell her that i wont be able to make my bills next motnh bc i will only be able to work 4 of the 8 hours that my job gave me this week bc i havge to study for a midterm tomorrow and that stupid bitch manager dosent want me to come in 8-12 like i would normally do. she like my mother has no consideration so i call my mom to tell her that and again... no consideration and replys with "thats life". ugh so i'm mad today i was mad yesterday, sunday, saturday, friday, and the rest of last week. when is it going to get better. when i talked to one of my other managers today she was like hey dont worry these things usually come in 3's. but when is it going to end. its like four thigns already. arguments with david (though they are over now), my job, then his friends tagging along and fucking up my day, then my mom.... and more of my mom fucking shit up.... my goodness.... what else is there. shouldn't this shit be over? fuckign life sucks right now. thank god i have david and he understands

(no subject)
i've felt really lonely lonely lately. i need friends

its really stressful
having a boyfriend

just though't i'd share that

btw i just did my first bloody shoot with Sam Guss, as you can see from my userpic :)
it was cool

its been awhile again
and now is the time to rant again
so today is the first day that i have been home in i dont even know how long. David is out of town on a trip that i was supposed to go with him to but his mom was being very inconsiderate (which is the only nice way to put it) so i was not able to make the trip which really sucks becase we both miss eachother already and he only left this morning at like 5 am. i guess its because we spend so much time together we aren't used to being apart now.
my grandpa called me like an hour ago and just had to annoy the shit out of me. he asked me how i was doing and i told him the usual about how i'm glad its summer and he asked when i go back and i said unfortunitly in 3 1/2 weeks, blah blah blah. then he asks me if i'm still with david and i'm like yeah why not? and he starts telling me that david is only using me... and i'm like what the hell for? where do adults get these things from. him and my mom have to say this about every guy that i'm with. its so fucking annoying. so he keeps saying that shit which put me in an even worse mood today. i just want my david.
ohh and on top of it my roommate is here. she cooked dinner with her so decided to lock my cat meowing outside on the porch in 90 + degree weather. who does taht? no wonder my cat is so loud... not to mention she gets no attention with me not being here since david can't park here over night. why do so many things in my life have to be shitty?
at least i have david
well anywyas so she comes up to me about 5 mins ago and asks for the pool key. well its in my car with the mail key. she thinks because she pays a whole $500 per month (which rent for this place is worth so much more) she gets to use everything. well i think not. especially when they cook dinner and she locks my cat outside... leaves the food out there doesnt even bring it in when she is done... leaves MY dishes on the counter (granted they are clean - shes lucky) ohh and the kitchen floor is all dirty because her friend didnt take off his shoes when he walked in MY house, which after i paid to get the carpet cleaned she still doesnt have the decency to leave her and her guests shoes at the door (its not that hard). ugh ohh and how does she clean the floor once i say something? with my swiffer. i love it.
i'm just so annoyed right now
anyways on a better note, i did a shoot this weekend with my new friend Jaime, shes really cool. i had a good time. David and Danny came with me and htey got some pictures in friday night, then saturday i shot some more with david, an a solo of myself. fiday i took some with Jaime but they didnt come out good because it was dark by the time we were all ready, which sucks but ohh well. hopefully there is at least one good shot. Next weekend we plan to shoot with another photographer which i'm looking forward to. i wanted to shoot a lot this summer but this is the first shoot so far. maybe it will get me in loop :)
i love taking pictures and i hope the ones with david turned out good!
i can't wait unitl he comes back tomorrow, its not even a long trip and i can't function without him. sad face.
well i just downloaded the entire nightmare on elm street series so i'm gonna fall asleep to that.
i should already be sleeping seeing as i have to get up at 6 am, but ohh well

okay so i really need to get rid of my cat
does anyone want it, or know someone who would before i give her to the humane society?

(no subject)
Poll #978213 Lyrics

Which lyrics should i get tattooed on me?

I've never wanted to cease to exist, just disappear.
Embrace a dream that was a nightmare only yesterday.
To great discontent it is greatness that we own.
No fear of death but with fear of life, your weakness kills everyone. So live.
Break free from instinct that's left us all confined.
this hidden explosion calls for a wandering cast with no direction.

couple new tattoo ideas
i was in colorfast the other day ago with david while he was getting some work on his squid and i was looking at this bamboo plant and thought of a new tat idea.
its a bridge made of bamboo with asian scenary, not really elaborate but it looks good in my head. i figure it symbolizes my path through college. its going to be a bridge that looks rough and scary to cross bc its bamboo. but its strong... and its possible to get across. so yea. cheesey. i think i'm gonna get it when i graduate. not sure where though, maybe it will replace the koi idea on my thigh, maybe not. and also i thought of another idea... i'm gonna get some AFI lyrics either on my right calf or the back of my right sholder come across from my neck. i'm not sure which lyrics i want yet, i have a few ideas i think i'm gonna make a poll to put online and decide from there. i know... your gonna say afi is gay. but no, really they aren't lol
i haven't listened to them in so long because of the fact they signed dreamworks but i was in a really bad mood yesterday on my way to school and there was nothing on 93.1 or 103.1 so i turned to 88.5 and they were playing an older song by afi which put me in a better mood. so i listened to them when i got home from work and was listening to the lyrics and realized i really wanted their words tattooed on me. its so poetic (and i guess you could say cliche; but FUCK you!) haha
so yea anyways
here i am on campus in the computer lab doing anything but homework. i have one last paper to write and 2 tests to study for before david gets off at 8, think i'll make it? i better get started now.
so anywyas i just posted a bulletin on myspace that i wanted to post here as well
here it is:

now this is love

(no subject)
yea, so two weeks of school left. and this is stressing me out so much
i have a final in 3 of my classes, and keep trying to make excuses not to study
i always want to hang out with david and just argue with him when he has something else to do. its really frustrating. he always has something to do. and as of now has no job, but a band.
it annoys me because he hardly has time, only like after 8 every day, when i have the whole day. i mean i should be the busy one with class and work. but no
i've argued with him so much lately, i think its just because of school. i want it to be over. i dont want to study. i want to be with david.
i'm tired of us living so far from eachother too.

well anyways. the party saturday was fun. i got really wasted cuz jordan was there and he got a million jager shots lol
two of my friends from work came but they left after like an hour and a half. it was cool though, i want them to come again. i hope they liked it.
well i dont feel like talking right now. not to anyone. i just want to go home and eat

conflicting stimuli
i dont know whether to be really happy or really sad.
i feel depressed. and mad about school.
it really needs to be over now, i have like 3 weeks left
but ughh its going by so slow. so its being mad about this
or happy about David.
we are really happy together, it is the best thing
that is really all i have to say about that situation.
he just makes me really happy everytime we are together,
but then when we are not, l
ike times like this that i have to be at school or work
it sucks...

so this was a pointless post


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